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A Messy Heart

Hey friends! A while back I posted on Instagram asking for ideas of what to write on here! The questions I received were about what God has been teaching me, how I've seen Him move this past year, and about walking with Him step by step. I thought that those kind of all go together, so I decided to try to answer them in one post! This post is messy, y'all. It is my heart in real-time. So consider yourselves warned!

I know I've touched on this here and there, but I've had a really hard time since coming to college with feeling overwhelmed and so defeated. But that isn't new, I've spent a majority of my (really great) life feeling like a victim. Perfectionism and fear have taken so much of my life for so long, and since coming to college those voices have changed a little, but have still been really intense. I often feel like I have a great revelation from God, and I'm excited to walk it out. And then a good 10 minutes later I'm back in the same pit I was in before. I have felt discouragement knock the wind out of me this past year like never before, and I've wondered how it's even possible to choose God when it feels like no matter how hard I try, I just can't. How come I can feel like I'm doing all of the "right" things, and still feel like such a complete failure? How can I be told how amazing I am and what a big call God has placed on my life and be paralyzed by fear? How can I step into freedom when every time I try to seek God I end up feeling hopelessly trapped in the storm of my thoughts? And how can I trust Him when I just. can't. see?

I have really loved formulas for a long time. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I want step-by-step, faultless instructions. And then I analyze my performance. And resting is hard for me because I can be totally at rest outwardly but inside I am absolutely a wreck. Like, "What's wrong with me?" "Why isn't God helping me?" "Where is God and what does He want from me right now?" "Why am I not like everyone else?" "Why has God abandoned me?" "When will I have it together enough to finally be peaceful and enjoy life?" "When will I ever be enough?"

Okay I'm sorry if that was heavy, but those are a few of the questions that have been swirling around in my soul recently, and I have a feeling that some of y'all can probably relate to at least one of them. This post is me processing- I warned ya it'd be messy!

But anyways... you guys asked what God has been teaching me, not to hear me explode a bunch of yucky thoughts. But the thing is, those thoughts are directly tied to what God has been doing in me. Since I like formulas, I also really like ribbons. You know, the kind that ties everything up nicely in the end? Like, "I've been dealing with this and now I'm free, hallelujah" kind of ribbons? I still love neat and concise endings, don't get me wrong. But I am learning, and I'm coming to believe that because Jesus loves me, He won't give me the breakthrough I so desperately need if I keep searching for it inside of a man-made box with a ribbon on top. God is the only one who can crown my mess with a ribbon of grace. I CAN'T. Do I really believe that yet? Not really, but I want to. Maybe God has allowed this past year to feel like a wasted, unproductive, chaotic, whirlwind so that I learn that I literally have nothing but Him. I can do nothing but choose Him. And that's enough, even if I feel like nothing's happening. I can rise up and trust Him despite my feelings and opinions. Do I really know God, or do I know the things He supposedly wants me to do to get Him to come close? Are my formulas about God my God, or is God my God? (Still with me?!)

So how have I seen God move this year? In a lot of little, beautiful ways for sure. I think that He has been teaching me that no matter what I feel, I can rise up and believe that God has chosen me, adopted me, and that that is enough. He is enough. In Him, nothing is wasted and everything is beautiful. Perfect love, not a perfect to-do list, casts out fear (that's a good word right there 🤪).

Wow, thank y'all for reading that heart explosion! I want to quickly touch on the final question I received, which was about walking with Jesus step by step. Here's what I think. When the ball isn't in my court to be impressive or productive enough, and when my opinions aren't powerful enough to trip me up, I can confidently follow Jesus into any moment. But I have got to start turning my eyes up to Jesus, or I can never walk with Him. Jesus did not ask me to understand. He did not ask me to watch myself to make sure I do things right. He said to worship. He said to love Him, trust Him, and seek Him. And He said that He would add everything else to that. At the end of 2019, right before my 19th birthday, I felt like God told me that He was "changing the scenery." He showed me a picture of myself standing in a steep desert valley. I saw Jesus at the end of the valley and I started running towards Him, but almost immediately I ran into this little invisible wall. And then Holy Spirit came up next to me. When I just walked with Holy Spirit at a steady pace I could get through the barrier, and all of the other ones that came after it. I don't fully understand what that means yet, but I will say that the longer I try to get to Jesus, the more tired I am. That's why He gave me Holy Spirit. He is with me to show me that God is my Father, and He is here to take the burden off of me as I walk step by step. His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and when I'm simply with Him, everything is beautiful in the end. So join me in saying yes to simply seeking. Our Father never leaves.

"...He has never been both a 'yes' and a 'no.' He has always been and always will be for us a resounding 'YES!' For all of God's promises find their 'yes' of fulfillment in Him. And as His 'yes' and our 'amen' ascend to God, we bring Him glory!" - 2 Corinthians 1:19-20 (The Passion Translation)

Thank you so much for listening to my heart, I'm honored.

Let me know if you want to chat 💛

Lots of love,


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